Life Lately: Spiritually Ripped, Vocationally Lit, and Casually Sovereign

So here we are, friends! Six weeks since my last update, and I’m emerging from a particularly vivid bit of inner re-org... the kind that doesn't make much noise, but shifts the whole scaffolding.

Let’s start where I live most days lately

…which is in my '99 Miata, shuffling my giant teenage boy to and from crew practice. Tavi (now a 6'1" 15yo freshman at Garfield) is deep in his rowing era, which has transformed me into a sideline parent of the worst spectator sport imaginable. PNW Regattas are part luxury sport, part climate change experiment, part existential waiting room. My fellow crew parents and I stand around for hours (in the rain, in the cloudshine) whispering about blade angles and erg scores, waiting for the 5 minutes when we pull out binoculars and try to figure out which dot is our kid.

I spend a lot of time contemplating how to raise a fierce, empathetic young man in a culture that still hasn’t figured out what masculinity is for. Tavi came out as "straight" in 8th grade (in a family as queer as ours, of COURSE he'd need to clarify!), and since then my primary goal has been ensuring that I'm raising somebody's future big white cis-het husband to be affectionate, accountable, and appreciative.

There’s something about being in this daily rhythm with Tavi (shoveling protein into his mouth, knowing that he needs me around so that he can feel secure enough to completely ignore me) that feels like its own devotional practice. The parenting is quieter now... but deeper. Less directive, more gravitational.

And it’s in that steadiness that something kinda unexpected has happened in my relational life: I’m not preoccupied. I’m not spinning. I’m not pining or scanning or wondering who’s texting back. I am, dare I say, gloriously unbothered.

Current relational status: solo but sovereign

Some of you know that I have spent the decade since my divorce aggressively searching for partnership and not quite finding it. (Sure there were those few years pre-pandy when I had a BF in SF, but that was a long time ago now.)

Interestingly, this most recent era of flying solo has been deeply and completely chill. No one is draining me, no one is confusing me, no one is taking up more psychic bandwidth than they deserve. Just me and my sacred routines... and my to-do lists... and the quiet, astonishing pleasure of realizing that the absence of relationship is not a void. It’s a portal. ✨🕳️✨

Because when no one else is in your nervous system but you and god? Shit gets real clear, real fast. (Of course I mean god with a lower-case g. That's my nondual kind of deity, one that's more about physics and chemistry than angels.) I find god love everywhere. Sometimes that love looks like a morning dance session. Sometimes it’s feeling gravity while sobbing in a sunbeam. Sometimes it’s just cooking protein and produce, and deciding not to worry about replying to an enraging text. You could say I’m in my grown spiritual slut energy era… contentedly sovereign but saying a big open-hearted YES to whatever deep, true presence wants to touch me next.

Meanwhile, work has been quietly shape-shifting too.

A couple months ago, I tried an experimental offer of AI consulting to wedding vendors through Offbeat Wed. It felt like a natural extension of the Offbeat Empire’s DNA: practical, quirky, low-bullshit support for small biz folks who would rather stick a fork in their eye than struggle through their social media calendar (when they’d rather be making trebuchets to launch wedding bouquets at ren faires).

But within a couple weeks, a couple close friends and small business baddies were like, "Uh, bitch: why would you only do AI consulting with wedding vendors??"

My responses of "Because they're who I've worked with for years, so I have experience with them?" were met with eye-rolls.

One friend was just like, "You're more qualified than ANYONE I know to advise small business owners on AI stuff." 

Oh! Er, ok then.

So now I’m working with founders, creatives, and seasoned professionals (including my actual mother, because of course) to help them organize their projects, clarify their strategy, and get their backend operations in order so they can stop fighting with Venmo and start building something sustainable. I’m not just coaching wedding vendors. I’m quietly helping small business visionaries rewire how they relate to themselves and their work. And it's delicious. Like SUPER DELICIOUS. 

You know how when you wake up some mornings and you're too excited and you're like "Hold on, deep breaths, slow down, there's enough time to do all the cool shit you want to do"?

Maybe that’s just me?

As a recovering workaholic, that feeling is my favorite crack... and let's just say I'm in a small relapse because I'm just SO FREAKING EXCITED about what I'm building right now! I mean, using new tools and working with visionaries to apply what I’ve learned over decades about how to ramp up your rockstar biz shit?! FUCK YES!

…GASP!! WHEEZE!!!

And yet still... there’s that persistent tug.

A little whisper at the edge of all this practical magic that asks: Where will you go next, after Tavi launches? He graduates in three years, and then what? Unpartnered, self-employed, stable savings. What's the 5-year-plan here?

Some days I dream of the forest, of cedar trees and early bedtimes, of morning fog and a small writing cabin with a dog bed and a composting toilet. My childhood bestie Susannah just bought hippie shack named "Star Temple" on Orcas Island, and now I fantasize about off-grid ease and mushroom broth at sunset.

But then other days, I feel the gravitational pull of my beloved second city, San Francisco. Of bay windows and Karl The Fog and sweet queer neighbors. Of being the weird aging auntie with good cheese and strong opinions, a Mrs. Madrigal-type holding court from a rent-controlled Victorian in San Francisco while whispering life advice to someone's pansexual barista daughter.

The truth is: I don’t know yet. But it’s kind of thrilling not to. There’s nothing to fix. Nothing to force. Just momentum... and mystery.

More soon.

XO,
AMS
✨